Sketch | Welcome to heck
Counting Crows Mr. Jones plays.
Lights up on our tour guide, Max. He’s wearing a microphone headset. He’s in a hurry.
Max:
Okay settle in, settle in. We’d like to get the tour started now. Salvador will you lower the volume please? (Mr. Jones continues to play on a loop very low) Counting Crows’ Mr. Jones, guys, our official theme song.
Okay, as I’m sure you’ve all realized by now, you’ve died, and this is your afterlife. I know some of you are probably thinking, “but I was so young” and others are wondering “what took so long” but it’s over now. So let’s give a big FINAL round of applause for life. Great.
The volume of Mr. Jones flares up.
Salvador! C’mon.
Music goes low again.
Let’s just dive right into the deep water. There’s a good news / bad news situation to address first off. Let’s start with the bad — You did not make it to heaven. But but but but but but but but, good news, this isn’t hell either. This, ethereal plane, is heck. You have all been danged to heck.
“What the hell is heck?” You’re asking yourselves. “Heck? Fuck.” And I can’t say I blame you. Our motto is: Forever Tuesday, and on this tour you’ll see why. Step this way, but step carefully undoubtedly, many of your shoelaces have become tied together. We are relentlessly harassed by pranksters here.
Max moves up onto the platform, but eats shit as his shoelaces have been tied together. Mr. Jones blasts.
Dammit Salvador! (beat) Each of you have a room with a few amenities: a Smart TV, before you get excited,
Max uses a remote to turn on the TV which displays an endless Netflix loading screen.
Wifi limitations make loading a constant problem. The one regular channel that always comes in is E! Entertainment Television
Max changes the channel to show a few seconds of the opening of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. He turns it off.
Many people choose to skip the Television, and read.
From a table he picks up each of the items he calls out.
Each of your rooms come fully stocked with pamphlets, manuals, and for you news junkies, we have english translations of Russian newspapers. Now that’s news.
A couple comes in bickering loudly. Max tries to interrupt them but they ignore him.
Meet your neighbors. These arguments go on for hours. So we’ll just keep moving. Hopefully they’ll work it out. Spoiler: they won’t.
The couple exits. Max crosses to the wings.
Max:
Each of you will be issued a teenager to live with. I’d like you to meet, Kevin. He lives with me.
Kevin:
Max, you’re not funny and I hate you. Everyone hates you. You’re embarrassing! Why won’t you just get out of my room! (Beat) Can I have 20 bucks?
He gives him $20.
Max:
Sure thing bud-
Kevin snatches the 20 and pushes Max’s face away.
Classic Kevin. Over here is the complaints kiosk.
Lobby Boy stands there with his big three ring binder, staring.
If you have any issues with aspects of your stay here in heck, or if you simply need a quick reminder of how you got here, just speak to our attendant.
Lobby Boy:
I will now read your transgressions from the Binder of the Danged. Raise your hand as you are called.
We use the ticket manifest to call people out and let Lobby Boy reveal the nature of their sins.
I.e. It says here you never picked up your dog’s poop. Or You were a chronic jaywalker and rounded down when tipping. Benign stuff.
Max:
Thanks Lobby Boy. Just in case you’re wondering if there’s any way to upgrade. I’m sorry. No. There is always the option to be downgraded. Before you make any big decisions, we ask that you look out your Window to Hell, just to give you some perspective.
He pulls back the curtain and it’s Loren in his Good News suit.
Yikes. As you can see, the lower you go, the worse it gets.
Bathroomwise, there are two, but you’ll need to go outside, use a separate code gain access to a long staircase, which you’ll climb and climb and climb. Foodwise, we here in Heck are quite proud of our longstanding partnership with McMenamins, where the service may be slow, but at least it’s always packed. Please tolerate your stay.
Mr. Jones comes back in loud. Lights fade.